Articles on Divorce: Parenting

Parenting patterns demonstrate the way in which parents relate to one another, and therefore, they hold an important key to how well the children will adjust to the changes that divorce brings. A no to low conflict divorce is likely to allow for successful co- parenting. Frequently an easy flow of communication can be established between these individuals: each spouse often has the perception that the other is committed to being a good parent to the children. Information is usually shared, communications are respectful, and children are kept out of the middle. They are allowed to enjoy their childhood lives, and adult issues, especially divorce-talk and/or disparaging comments about the other parent, do not occur in their children's presence or hearing. Each parent supports the other parent's relationship with the children and encourages the children to feel free to love and be comfortable in both houses. This type of co-parenting relationship can produce resilient and well-adjusted children who are likely to become productive, healthy human beings.

However, not all divorcing parties are capable of successful co-parenting. Frequently, with high conflict couples, there is little or no trust and little to no communication. The spouses appear to be unable and/or unwilling to interact between one another about their children's needs and activities without competition and/or conflict. In such cases, the children suffer, and parallel parenting, rather than co-parenting, may be an option.

Although it is far from ideal, if used correctly, parallel parenting can reduce or eliminate conflict and provide a stable and consistent life style for a child. A parallel parenting plan requires minimum contact between parents. Each parent conducts his own relationship with the child and arranges programs fully and completely on his/her own custodial time with the child. There is no consultation with the other parent. Parents work side- by- side without intruding on the other's time with the children. When the children are young, this is more difficult, but indeed, it is possible. Necessary communication occurs through brief e-mails, and, upon an emergency, telephone contact ensues. Communications, though minimal, need always be respectful.

Naturally a detailed parenting plan must be in place, and if it is thorough and both parties follow its recommendations in a business-like fashion, than this type of parenting plan can work. It provides the external controls that divorcing parties often need, especially during the first years of the divorce. A well-crafted parallel parenting plan not only provides limits to the time one parent comes in contact with the other, but it also helps the children to know when exactly each parent will arrive and depart.

An effective parenting plan, whether it be a co-parenting plan or a parallel parenting plan, clarifies many important child issues that the divorcing parties may not foresee. Additionally, it provides for professional assistance when unexpected life circumstances produce change and further re-adjustment in a family is needed. Examples of this may be re-marriage or 'moveaway' situations.

It is now well-established that an absence of conflict plus a consistent life style helps a child of divorce to feel safe and contained. Yet, any type of agreement must also contain flexibility to meet the changing needs children as they grow older. There are times when an expert in the matters of assessing parenting capacities may assist attorneys in the choice, creation and implementation of a parenting plan. A strong plan, appropriate to the emotional capacities of the spouses, can help the children become and remain resilient, adjusted, and productive individuals during and after their parent's divorce.

Renee Leff is an LMFT with a J.D. She has offices in Woodland Hills and in Brentwood, where she specializes in assisting divorcing families through the process of divorce-related issues: parenting plans, refusal of a child to visit a parent, parent-child re-unification. She offers divorce coaching, as well as child, adolescent, and adult psychotherapy. Additionally, she is listed on the L.A. Superior Family Court website as an educator in Mastering The Art Of Co-Parenting, a six session high conflict co-parenting class. She also offers a six session parenting class called "Healthy Parenting". Check her website:www.forensictherapy.com She can be reached at : 818.734.9602 or 310.535.7975. Her e-mail is: lefforensic@yahoo.com

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