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Articles on Divorce: Parenting
Divorce Ends a Marriage But Not the Difficulties of Parenting
by Wendy Gregson M.F.T. and Bruce Derman Ph.D.
Parenting is difficult enough, but during and after divorce, parents have unique
challenges to face. They must learn to balance coping with the divorce and
helping their children deal with all the new changes. Failure to positively
handle the more difficult and stressful parenting demands caused by a divorce
will cause pain for parents and children which will endure long after the
divorce is final. Each year 1 million children experience their parents'
divorce and statistics show that:
- 25% of those children will be high school dropouts
- 40% will receive psychological help
- 65% will never build a good post divorce relationship with their fathers
- 30% will never build a good post divorce relationship with their mothers
- 59% of adult children of divorce will have problems in their own marriage.
Respectful Co-Parenting for Divorcing Couples Offers Parents a Chance to Really Help Their Kids
These divorce education groups provide parents with the new skills and attitudes
needed to successfully co-parent their child in the midst of all the divorce
pressures. In the groups you will learn to:
Improve your communication with your child and your ex
Keep your children from being caught in the middle
Make visitation and holidays less stressful
Help your child manage the new changes
Group Facilitators
Bruce Derman, Ph.D. - is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in
Santa Monica and Woodland Hills and the author of the book "We'd have a Great
Relationship if it Weren't for You" .
Wendy Gregson, M.F.T. - is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private
practice in Thousand Oaks and Camarillo who has served as a Special Master with
the Ventura Courts resolving custody issues.
FOR MORE INFORMATION
CALL (818) 375-7194 or (805) 446-6324
Alienation and Children's Responses
Alienation occurs when children become a part of the parents' conflict. This
experience results in the child having conflicting feelings which manifest
themselves in acting out or acting in behaviors.
Definition of Alienation
When either parent uses the child; to meet personal or emotional needs, as a
vehicle to express or carry their own intense emotions or as a pawn to
manipulate or inflict pain on the other parent.
Degree of Alienation
Mild Alienation
- Parent Message: Expresses surface sincerity, while presenting underlying
discounting messages about the other parent.
- Child Behavior: Trouble with transitions as this is when the child feels
most alienated or estranged from the other parent. Common
behaviors when leaving one house and going to the other, when one
parent remarries or has another child, are clinging, crying and
withdrawing.
Moderate Alienation
- Parent Message: Believes that the other parent, due to various character
deficiencies, could not be as important to the child as they
are.
- Child Behavior: Transitions are even more difficult because of the
polarization of the two homes. During transitions child is often
moody, angry, withdrawn or uncooperative.
Extensive Alienation
- Parent Message: The anger or hatred that the one parent feels for the other is
blatant and that parent is seen as harmful to the child.
- Child Behavior: The child feels extremely split as it becomes more and more
obvious that it is impossible to love both parents. To draw the
focus away from the home life, the child begins to act out or in
by getting into trouble, drugs, bad grades or shutting down
emotionally.
Severe Alienation
- Parent Message: The alienating parent holds that the other parent has no value.
- Child Behavior: The child is now completely enmeshed with the alienating
parent and takes on all the same desires, emotions and hatreds.
The child totally believes that the target parent is a villain and
has nothing positive to say about that parent.
Parenting Differences of Divorcing Couples
Respectful co-parenting minimizes the degree of alienation that children
experience during and after a divorce. The less estranged children feel from a
parent, the more easily they adjust to their new life and continue a healthy
progression through their developmental stages.
| Respectful Co-Parenting |
Disrespectful Co-Parenting |
| Parent together |
Parent separately |
| Balance one another |
Compete against each other |
| Respect differences |
Discount the other |
| Appreciate the other |
Use hostile/negative characterizations |
| Prioritize child's needs |
Ego needs dominate |
| Validate different rules |
other's rules |
| Consider the other |
Only consider themselves |
| Give clear messages |
Give confusing messages |
| Are interested in feelings |
Ignore feelings |
| Cooperate |
Argue |
| Enjoy the parenting process |
Indifferent |
| Resolve conflicts |
Argue for the sake of arguing |
| Listen to the other |
Deaf to the other |
| Include the other |
Alienate the other |
Children's Conflicting Feelings in Divorce
The dissolution of the family is a traumatic experience for all involved.
However children are the most vulnerable because of their dependency needs.
Therefore, the more alienated or estranged they feel from a parent, the more
conflicted they will feel.
- Children are heartbroken when their parents resent each other.
- Children are torn apart when asked to favor one parent over the other.
- Children think it is their fault when parents divorce in constant conflict.
- Children feel lost in the chaos of divorcing parents.
- Children often feel used by hostile or righteous parents.
- Children feel angry when their voices are not heard during the break up of the family.
- Children feel extreme anxiety when their security needs are not addressed in the divorce process.
- Children feel threatened when the primary focus is on proving that the other parent is incompetent, irresponsible and out of control.
- Children feel ignored and neglected when constant arguing and yelling in the home reaches a high level.
- Children feel that they need to protect which ever parent they perceive asthe weakest or most hurt.
- Children will unconsciously make themselves into problems in order to shift the focus from their hurting parents.
RESPECTFUL CO-PARENTING PROGRAM FOR DIVORCING COUPLES
BRUCE DERMAN, Ph.D., WENDY GREGSON, M.F.T.
For more information call (818) 375-7194
22817 Ventura Blvd. S-806
Woodland Hills, CA 91364
Fax : (818) 7041453
Internet: www.nocourtdivorce.com
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